


The Limit To Your Love

by beetlesandstars



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Arguing, Bisexual Sirius Black, Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gay Remus Lupin, Hurt Remus Lupin, Idiots in Love, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, POV Remus Lupin, Period-Typical Homophobia, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin In Love, i hope u enjoy lovely, resolved issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:15:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26585743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beetlesandstars/pseuds/beetlesandstars
Summary: Distantly, Remus wondered what Sirius’ lips tasted like. Not-so-distantly, Remus cleared his throat.“Hmm?” Sirius hummed questioningly.“Mmmnothing,” said Remus, ever the clever one. His hand clenched and unclenched several times, until Sirius finally placed a hand atop it, stilling him not only physically, but to his very core. Every nerve ending in Remus’ body lit up like a firework.“Sirius?” he said quietly, heart hammering so loudly in his ears he was afraid he’d miss the next thing Sirius said.-o-This lil' baby fic is about Remus coming to terms with the fact that he may or may not harbor more than friendly feelings for a certain Sirius Black. Hope you enjoy! Also: this fic was written as that of an experiment for me, to see how I could mess around with dialogue, misplacing the dominant speaker in a conversation every now and then to turn the whole scene on its head. Dunno if my attempts shine through, but if anything feels a bit off, that might be why!
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 10
Kudos: 68





	The Limit To Your Love

**Author's Note:**

> oooh boy i can't believe i had this in my drafts for literally 4 years or something and doing nothing with it. i was a lil baby when i wrote this, but i know having it posted would make younger me happy so, despite its pretentious nature, here she is. posted and all. kinda emo of me <33 
> 
> enjoy!! leave a lil' comment if you want, it always makes me smile!! don't be afraid to comment even if this was posted like years ago or something bc chances are i will receive an email about it and melt into a gooey puddle of gratitude. anyway!!! enjoy!!!

THE LIMIT TO YOUR LOVE 

"Twenty fucking braincells I had, and they're out the window," said James, head turned just so, eyes wide, mouth open, eyebrows in his hairline.

"You act as though the notion of you having any braincells at all shocks you," mumbled Remus, who sat with his legs crossed upon his four-poster bed, a rather hefty (even to his standards) book about Frogs and Their Descendants resting on his lap. Sitting there, on a Sunday evening was truly agreeable, he thought to himself. To Sirius, not so much.

Sirius was, after all, not in the room, but rather on the roof of the boys’ tower. Literally on the roof. Remus had tried to figure out exactly what had brought the shorter boy to climb up there without the assistance of his wand an hour or so earlier, just straight out the window and up, but he couldn't quite fathom what it would take to make Sirius think it was a reasonable thing to do, and quite frankly he was too afraid to ask. Remus' back had cramped up in the time Sirius had been up there; the worry he felt was palpable, bordering on unbearable, and yet, convincing Sirius to come down would be like trying to coax James out of staring at Lily Evans.

"I reckon it's time you check on him again," said Peter suddenly, who was sitting on his four-poster as well, flicking through a magazine. His gaze was now fixed on Remus with an impressive intensity for such small, beady eyes. "Make sure he hasn't offed himself yet, yeah?"

"Hmm," agreed Remus, slamming the book shut, sending a cloud of dust pummeling out of it. He got to his feet very slowly: his right foot had fallen asleep from sitting with his legs crossed for such an extended amount of time. Limping over to the window, he gestured for James to follow.

James huffed his annoyance half-heartedly, but did indeed stand up and raise his wand. "Wingardium Leviosa," he said, pointing his wand at Remus. 

Though the spell took effect immediately, Remus didn't notice the few centimeters he was floating off the ground till James raised his wand an increment and Remus started to float out of the window. 

"Careful now," warned Remus.

"Hey! You didn't even hit your head this ti-" James started, just as Remus' head connected with the window ledge with a _bang_. 

James mumbled, "my bad," and pushed Remus upwards to avoid his scolding.

Once within sight of Sirius, Remus relaxed slightly, albeit a bit dizzily. The boy, with uncombed shoulder-length dark brown hair, kind eyes and an intellect that was easily large enough to intimidate a few teachers, sat with his knees pulled up to his chest, his eyes glued to the sunset. A golden orb reflected in his eyes, despite the sunset’s red demeanor, and it struck Remus suddenly that the image bore a stark resemblance to muggle churches and their elegant depictions of all things holy. 

"Siri," he called out, and Sirius very deliberately looked over to Remus, pace unbearably slow. Remus had always been the only one allowed such a casual utterance of the horrid (accurate) nickname; _Siri_ was reserved for Remus and Remus alone. 

"Hi," said Sirius softly, but still somehow breaking through the air as though it was thick like concrete. He grinned boyishly at Remus. "How you faring?"

Remus, half his mind on James' very questionable levitation skills, half his mind on Sirius, said, "I was just about to ask you the same thing."

"Well, personally I'm doing rather splendid," said Sirius, toothy grin and all. 

Remus let the surprising silence that followed define them for a second that felt like an eternity; he let it wrap the two of them up in what could only be described as comfortably spaced conversational momentum. There was no need to elicit a response from either Remus or Sirius: for the time being, everything was perfect. 

Sirius Black was most definitely someone Remus Lupin felt he couldn't live without. Sure, in their first year they'd got along splendidly, but now... now it was so much more than that. Their affection for each other had never been brotherly, unlike Remus' friendship with James and Peter, but rather always challenging in the least platonic sense.

Sirius had, however, been through a few lifetimes worth of pain and anguish, and Remus had, up until a few weeks ago, felt compelled not to challenge Sirius's newly discovered and steady contentment with life as it was, as brittle as it appeared sometimes, like now. So Remus had, despite his inner turmoil, chosen instead to accept his (probably) unrequited love for Sirius in silence, never once breathing a word of it to anyone, not even to James or Peter.

But now… Sirius had been acting strangely as of late, odd and far away almost, and as much as Remus wanted to help, he didn't know exactly how. It wasn't so that Sirius' mental health had suddenly plummeted or anything of the sort - in fact, what made him seem odder than usual was his _lack_ of bad days. He'd been too happy about everything, never once breaking a little inside and running to Remus for comfort - and that was what made Remus feel uneasy. He hadn't been needed by Sirius for too long, as he had his entire life at Hogwarts… and wasn’t that a horrible, selfish thought to have? To condemn his best friend simply for being unriddled with his usual bouts of self-disgust and uncare for himself? Remus was ashamed to have even thought it at all. 

Nevertheless, the most prominent detail on Remus's mind was indeed the very thing that made his knees shake. Remus had kissed Sirius, a mere day ago. And it had happened so suddenly; one minute they'd been laughing so hard they'd gone red in the face, the next Remus' lips were on the other boy’s. In his defense, he did barely kiss him - even his lips seemed to know there were boundaries as they brushed over his mouth so carefully. But Sirius hadn't kissed back. He'd been shocked, of course, that much was evident, but Remus hadn't been able to extract any further reaction from the boy. Remus did, however, wonder whether Sirius being the roof had anything to do with it. Whether it was his form of silent disapproval, whether he was planning on kicking Remus out of the dorm room. Whether he'd even want to be friends with him anymore. Truthfully, Remus didn’t think his own existence deserved more than perhaps an indifferent shrug, but still found himself worrying relentlessly. 

"I think it's time for me to come down now, I can't feel my legs," said Sirius, once again as suddenly and as softly as before.

"Can you get down?" asked Remus, suddenly very aware of that he was indeed floating - courtesy of James - a worrying bit above the ground, and Sirius was sitting on the roof of the tower and everything could go so wrong in a matter of seconds -

"Uh..." Sirius puffed up his cheeks, looking around him, as though determined to find a ladder or something of the sort. "No, I don't think I can. But I'm not too bothered, I'm sure I'll get down."

Remus, feeling his heart beating faster and faster in light horror of the situation, said, "how d’you figure?"

"Well, I've got you, haven't I?" Sirius looked endearing as he said it, sincere and sentimental.

Remus had a split second to think how absolutely ironic it would be if Sirius slipped off the roof then and there and died. He then banished the thought and instead brandished a hand for Sirius to take. He said, "maybe I can lift you down. C'mon, Siri."

Sirius all but catapulted himself into Remus' arms, and he nearly slipped out of the longer boy's arms, and Remus was sure that if he hadn't been the size of a giant the smaller boy might very well have fallen to his death. 

"James!" shouted Remus, trying in vain to keep his mind off of Sirius' tight grip on him, and how his legs wrapped around Remus' muggle jeans, how the hand not clinging quite so furiously found the loops the belt was made to go through. Which was _of course_ very close to his ass, and Sirius' hand was indeed inching downwards, and he was on thin ice, alright -

"Yeah, mate?" James shouted back.

"Would you levitate us down to the dorm again, please?"

"Alright," said James, sounding strained, and Remus, with Sirius in his arms, started floating downwards.

Unsurprisingly, he banged his head yet again, and once through the window, he slapped James over the head, calling him a very unflattering name.

For one icy second, Remus realised he’d always find an out, never truly wanting to bring the awkward kiss up, and Sirius sure as hell wouldn’t if he thought Remus didn’t want to talk about. Remus felt it might not be done till his death bed if he didn't organise his thoughts and pounce right away, and in a moment of bravery he announced, "Sirius and I are gonna need a minute to ourselves."

Sirius raised an eyebrow at him, but he ignored his questioning gaze in favor of placating James.

"What?" James looked mockingly hurt. "What do you mean you need a minute? Am I not a part of it? I'm a part of _everything_ you do! How can I not be part of it?"

 _You’re not the one I kissed, you numbnut_ , he didn’t say. 

" _Nearly_ everything, Prongs. Some things don’t concern you. A lot of it does, but not this," Remus sent him a very convincing paternal look. James pouted. Remus sighed. "Listen, James, we just need like, half an hour. We can come get you personally when we're done."

"Half an hour! _Half-an-hour!_ Merlin, I feel so betrayed... but - but fine," said James broodingly. "But only because I'm the most amazing best mate you could’ve asked for." 

"Cool."

"Say it!" exclaimed James.

"Say what?" asked Sirius.

"That I'm the most amazing best mate you could’ve -"

"You're the most amazing best mate we could’ve asked for," said Remus irritably, knowing James wouldn't stop his incessant pestering until one of them had done as he asked. He felt himself growing steadily more nervous at the prospect of speaking with Sirius. 

Fleeting images of Sirius sneaking his hand into Remus’, of raking his hands through Remus’ hair, of pulling him in for a lingering hug, suddenly flooded his mind; he couldn't deal with an emotional James at the same time as dealing with Sirius' obliviousness right now.

Sirius was being uncharacteristically quiet.

Remus, once James had strutted out of the dorm room with Peter, locked the door with a charm.

"We need to -" Remus began, but Sirius seemed to be on the same page as him.

"Talk, yeah, I know," he looked sheepish as he stood there, poised embarrassedly in front of Remus. 

Remus didn't know what to do because _God_ , Sirius looked so inviting standing there with his gaze fixated on the floor, the sun sending golden gashes of light tumbling onto Sirius' freckled skin.

"I'm sorry I kissed you," said Remus abruptly. Sirius' eyes flickered up to Remus, then flickered away just as fast. Remus rubbed the back of his neck. "I'm not - like that, you know."

Sirius, admittedly, seemed to have tried to bite back the chuckle, it just so happened that he wasn't successful in doing so.

"What?" Remus snapped.

"Nothing," Sirius went a bit red. "You're just... _you_ kissed _me_."

Remus wrapped his arms around his own skinny waist, hugging himself as his mind waged war on itself, one big internal battle. "So?"

"So?" Sirius looked at Remus, an incredulous expression on his face saying, _you can't be fucking real_. 

And like the Devil himself possessed him, Remus started talking horseshit. 

"Sirius, I can’t help it that you’re as presumptuous as you are, thinking I'm- that way, for you, or anyone, or in love or something, whatever -“ Remus knew he was lying horribly, but he couldn't help but make up a thousand excuses and spluttering like he was twelve again, unknowing and awkward.

"In - _in love_?" spluttered Sirius. He looked so hurt: heavy tears welling in his eyes. "In love? You’re bloody joking, right? I can't believe - Remus - I - I didn’t even start this, and here you are, lecturing me about being presumptuous. Bloody mental, even for you.” 

“I only meant that you seem - interested, and I can’t… _do_ that,” he finished lamely, which was funny because quite the opposite applied, really. Remus was the one whose hand constantly reached for Sirius, Remus was the one who lay awake at night trying to rationalize what he was feeling, Remus was the one who offered to untangle Sirius’ hair after quidditch, Remus this, Remus that. It was always Remus. 

Sirius’ lips trembled, eyes shuttering. _He didn’t deserve this_ , cried Remus’ heart. “Interested?” he said timidly. “Does that bloody matter, Moony, in the grand scheme of things?” 

Remus’ jaw jutted outwards, the way it did when he got confrontational, he knew. Sirius had told him so once, during an argument about whether love potions were ethical or not. 

“I think it matters a little bit, yes, Padfoot.” 

Sirius bristled. “I’ll always stick up for you no matter what, you know that. I'm there with you through thick and thin, but this? I don’t like it. ‘Course it’s your life, your choice, or whatever. But what you do now, ‘s all up to you, Moony. Personally, I wouldn’t like it much if I lost you to a bloody kiss, yeah?” 

Remus hated it when Sirius made sense. His nose twitched. 

“I just,” started Remus, pulling a hand through his hair. Quietly, mostly to dissuade Sirius from further shouting, he said, “I don’t want you thinking I’m like that, yeah?” 

Oh, boy. Now he’d done it. 

“Merlin’s bloody ballsack, Remus! How can you possibly be so obtuse! Did you know I don't give two flying fucks who you mess within your free time? You could very well stick your wanker in a plant and I wouldn't bat an eye. I feel like the worst mate here, Moony - you don't even trust me enough to believe I’m not a total twat? Or, I don’t know, trust me enough to tell me you're struggling? Whether that be with your - _sexuality_ or, just finding someone to wank you off? Oh, stop with the pouting, Remus. I damn well know you’re a bit bent, yeah? I’d have to be blind not to see that. Now, are you gonna stop being fucking butthurt about this? Are you gonna say we can’t be friends any longer? Your choice.” 

A sluggish second ticked by where nothing happened. And then Remus, who stood disbelieving right where he'd stood from the beginning, burst into tears. Gods above… 

Sirius looked at him: a steely, guarded look on his face, his posture speaking of betrayal and mistrust. "Well?” 

He gave a sharp nod, still hugging himself fiercely. Voice wet and hoarse, he said, “I’m sorry.” 

Sirius searched Remus’s face for a long moment. He didn’t seem to find what he’d hoped for. “Yeah, bet you are,” he said darkly. 

Remus shook violently, his jaw hurt from keeping it clamped shut. 

Sirius huffed, a ghost of a smile on his face, as though he found humour in it all. In the way everything spiraled out of control, any notion of control long since discarded. He made for his four-poster and leaned on it, duvet folding at his weight. Without looking at Remus, he patted the space next to him. 

Remus all but stumbled over to him, sitting down heavily as he sobbed soundlessly. He was so ashamed. He couldn’t even speak, his throat was so constricted with thick, searing emotions. 

Hesitantly, Sirius reached out a hand towards Remus and settled it on Remus’ shoulder. It was all it took to break him. Remus collapsed so thoroughly it startled him, but nevertheless, he fell onto Sirius, crying openly now, unable to catch his breath as he sobbed. 

“C’mere,” mumbled Sirius, hauling Remus up by the elbows. Swiftly, he had him enveloped entirely with his arms, clinging to him with fervor only those burdened with true fear of losing a friend knew. 

It took too long for Remus to gather himself, breathing still hitching when the knocking shook them out of their reverie. It felt like a spell had come undone. 

“It’s been half an hour you dirty liars! Let us in!” James shouted through the door, muffled as it was. 

“Please! I have to finish my Potions essay!” came Peter’s voice thereafter, meeker but no less indignant. 

Sirius pulled away from Remus, looking him dead in the eye. He whispered, “We’ll talk more about this later, alright?” 

Remus nodded once. 

“Right on,” Sirius smiled a smile just for him. 

“Padfoot, I’m a second away from using Peter as a sledgehammer, yeah? Open the door!” 

“I’m coming, you cretin!” 

-

It wasn’t until later that night that they finally got a chance to speak. Remus hadn’t stopped buzzing since their argument, practically shaking right out of his skin. James had asked what was wrong with him. He’d said he thought he might be falling ill again. He didn’t know what to think, didn’t know if he could, even. He couldn’t rationalise what was happening, and it was driving him up the wall. 

By 11:30, Peter and James had fallen victim to slumber. Remus sat up with crossed legs and waited, listening to his roommates' calm breathing. Suddenly, he heard a quiet shuffling, and then his curtains were being yanked open, revealing a Sirius with wide eyes and sleep-mussed hair. Without saying a word, he clambered onto Remus’ bed, sitting with his legs crossed also, facing Remus. He closed the curtains wordlessly and, raising his wand, he cast a quick spell to keep all and any sound from within the four-poster in. 

“Test it?” asked Remus. 

Sirius nodded and called tentatively, “James, mate?” 

Silence. The spell had worked. Remus let out a breath of relief. 

“So,” said Sirius, voice loud and intrusive in the stillness of the night. 

“So,” echoed Remus. Sirius twiddled his thumbs, regarding him with a horrid kind of caution he hoped never to see in his life again. “I don’t know what to say,” Remus settled on in the end. 

Sirius gave a bark of laughter. “Says you. What the hell am I supposed to do? Placate you? Shout at you? Hit you over the head for being such an idiot?” 

Remus smiled softly. “You could try them all, if you’d like.” 

“I’d rather not.” Sirius cleared his throat. “Anyway, I’m not sorry for shouting earlier. I meant it. Every word. Could’ve worked on my delivery, but besides that I’m glad I said what I said.” 

Remus gulped and nodded. He’d expected as much. 

“Right,” he said, trying to keep his voice even. “And if I say I’m not… bent, you won’t believe it?” 

“Not for a minute,” Sirius said without missing a beat. 

“Alright,” sighed Remus, feeling oddly relieved. “Alright, good.” 

Sirius cocked his head, eyes glinting strangely. “So you’ve got it through your thick skull then, Moony? That I don’t care what you are?” 

Remus debated lying, gritting his teeth and working through it in his own time but - that’s what he’d done with the werewolf-situation. He knew only too well what a bitter fall it was from here, how keeping it to himself could tear into him as speedily as a frustrated, bloodthirsty wolf. 

“No,” he settled on. “I - I can’t really wrap my head around it? I’ve heard of - of queers, but I just can’t be - be that, on top of everything else, it’s not fair, you know?” 

Sirius’ eyes softened. “I hear you,” he said. “And I think you’re a marvel, yeah? Dealing with all this. But I don’t want you taking it out on me, OK? You can talk to me, you can yell about how unfair the world is and how you’d sock it in the jaw if you could, but you _won’t_ blame it on me. That understood, soldier?” he teased. 

Remus thought again about how he’d accused Sirius of being in love with him. Gods above, had he no shame? 

Nodding, Remus said, “understood. And I’m sorry.” 

Sirius flashed him a grin, then sighed. “Apology accepted, old friend.” When Remus rubbed his eyes, willing the tidal wave of emotion within him to stay put, Sirius added, slightly more reserved this time, “there’s nothing wrong with being queer, you know.” 

Remus’ eyebrows performed a complicated choreography as he said, “what?” 

Sirius learned his head on his hand, elbow resting on his knee. He continued, “I wish I could show you that - that really, there’s no difference? Between a man who loves women and a man who loves men, I mean.” 

“Padfoot, I -“ 

“They exist in the muggle world too,” Sirius rushed to say. “They’re just… we - they are bloody normal, just like James and Peter and - I don’t see why _you_ of all people would condemn them as - freaks of nature, or whatever.” 

Remus made a confused noise. “I don’t! I’m just saying that I don’t want to be bent. I’m already a freak, add being queer to the mix and that’s just the cherry on top. Don’t you understand?” 

“I do,” said Sirius, glumly. He was scowling now. “But you wouldn’t find it weird, if another boy told you he was queer?” 

“Sure I would,” said Remus uncomfortably. “But I’d get used to it? And I’d never call him weird. Just find it a bit odd. At first. What he likes isn’t really any of my business.” 

“Oh.” 

“Oh?” 

“No, nothing.” 

“Okay.” 

Sirius cleared his throat. “So… you probably want me to leave now."

"I’m pretty exhausted, honestly."

"Too bad." 

“What?” Remus’ eyes snapped up. 

“If I’m not misinterpreting things I’d say you think things’ll be weird between us now, yeah? I can’t have that. I’ll just sit here till you get that.” 

“You’re a weird one, Padfoot.” Remus rubbed his eyes tiredly. 

“Wouldn’t have it any other way.” 

A couple of minutes passed, and Sirius did not budge, and nor did he, for a change, say anything. The two of them regarded each other curiously, eyes glued to the other, hands kept firmly to themselves. Distantly, Remus noted how the half-moon shone inwards from the curvature of the window, accentuating and sharpening Sirius’ features as he looked at him. Distantly, Remus wondered what Sirius’ lips tasted like. Not-so-distantly, Remus cleared his throat. 

“Hmm?” Sirius hummed questioningly. 

“Mmmnothing,” said Remus, ever the clever one. His hand clenched and unclenched several times, until Sirius finally placed a hand atop it, stilling him not only physically, but to his very core. Every nerve ending in Remus’ body lit up like a firework. 

“Sirius?” he said quietly, heart hammering so loudly in his ears he was afraid he’d miss the next thing Sirius said. His palms began to sweat, breathing turning sharp. 

“Yeah?” Sirius’s voice was low and gentle. 

"Sirius, I..." Remus started.

"I know." 

"You do?"

"'Course I do." Sirius dropped his gaze to Remus’ lips. “ And I’m here if you’ll have me. Queer as I am.” 

Remus surged forward. 

Kissing Sirius was like standing in fire. It turned Remus’ muscles to putty and left his bones splintered and cracked and yearning. He ricocheted between a deeply rooted doubt, and how certain it felt, how natural and completing and how heart-wrenchingly right it was. But in reality, there was no room for doubt at times like these, so Remus grabbed the doubt by the nape of its neck, much like how he was grasping Sirius, and flung it out the proverbial window. Simply letting something happen… it turned his world to crimson and gave him a head-rush. And suddenly, it hit Remus what fulfillment could be. What a life with a pinch of risk could entail. And how unafraid Remus was of pursuing it. He grinned into the kiss, and Sirius grinned back, teeth clacking together awkwardly. And it was perfect. 

**Author's Note:**

> hope you liked it! leave a comment or some kuuudos if u want, it'd be nice but it's totally up to u <333


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